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Anyone who has authored a book on Michael Jackson and was spurred on to do so by a deep, grateful adoration of the man and a desire to seek justice for him will tell you how motivations such as these are not conducive with the wishes of the Michael Jackson Estate. They will say how when writing their book, they made the conscious decision to sacrifice financial gain at the expense of honouring their principles. They will explain how their books are – truly – labours of love fuelled by wanting – no, craving – to disseminate truth in an effort to counteract misinformation promulgated by the Estate.
I learned this the hard way.
To be clear, I do not regret having written The First Book of Michael. On the contrary, composing the blog that became the book was a wonderful experience. It involved my forging deep, lifelong relationships with fans of a like-minded ilk; friendships that flourished out of a mutual understanding of the importance in protecting and promoting Michael Jackson’s truthful legacy.
I’ll also freely admit to having revelled in the praise my words garnered, with comments I received from people who had been close to Michael – in which they admired my apparent spiritual affinity with him – making me feel nothing less than ecstatic. The way such reviews lifted my heart and encouraged my passion for writing was – and I mean this with absolute sincerity – all and more I could have asked for as recompense for my efforts and sacrifice.
In the introduction to The First Book of Michael, I write how the “book is my heart”. And it truly is.
What I am about to divulge is not some indulgence in martyrdom, nor is it an attempt to elicit sympathy. I’m not sure what it is, to be honest; but I feel compelled to put it down nonetheless. Perhaps it’s merely an expression of closure; an acknowledgment of discovering clarity at the end of an arduous journey.
You see, the months I spent collating and editing the blog into something that resembled coherence were some of the darkest periods I have ever lived through. With naive determination, I was entirely convinced that the efforts I ploughed into the book would ultimately prove worthwhile.
This obsession with seeing the project through resulted in the relationship with the mother of my daughters disintegrating into irredeemable animosity; a heartbreaking consequence of this being prolonged periods in which I was refused access to my beloved children.
Writing the book became a double-edged sword. But I had gone too far to turn back. I existed alone in a dark, rented room: my sole raison d’être being the book’s completion. I didn’t have a job. I ended up months behind with rental payments. I began hiding from my live-in landlord, keeping my curtains closed during the day and creeping out at night. I became anxious. I became depressed. I became homeless. I sacrificed everything in faith that the eventual benefits would make all the suffering worthwhile.
It can be hard to remember who oneself is whilst enduring hardship, and I’m so happy that I will forever have the book as a record of my positive intentions and bravery in times of real pain. Indeed, I look forward to the day when my daughters can read it for themselves.
Whilst I certainly possessed no aspirations of overnight wealth and stardom, I must confess that in the back of my mind there existed the quiet hope that writing the book might lead to opportunities through which I could embark on a fruitful career doing what I love.
Upon publication, however, these dreams were instantly, brutally rendered redundant.
I had pre-empted the release date with increasingly-excited promotional blog posts counting down to what should have been a joyous occasion. Instead, it became the day my work fell prey to coordinated, premeditated sabotage.
Perfectly timed to inflict maximum damage, a tongue-in-cheek article I had written years previously for an alternative music magazine was unearthed and widely distributed amongst the Michael Jackson fan community. An insidious witch hunt ensued in which I was maliciously attacked on social media using images of my children. I was slandered as a hater. My estranged children and my late hero. My desperately missed and lamented loves – the crutches I’d relied on to embolden my determination to complete the project – suddenly became the very things used to undermine me and my work.
My naivety concerning the depths the powerful, paranoid Estate patsies would dive to in order to discredit a book on Michael Jackson contrary to their propaganda was ruthlessly exposed.
Aspirations annihilated. Time I could have spent with my two young children forever irretrievable.
Sales figures were negligible. It was an excruciating anticlimax. My bank account was closed down due to debts incurred as I’d struggled and failed to make ends meet whilst writing the book. To my shame, I resorted to shoplifting food. Yet that shame paled in comparison with the debilitating guilt I felt in not having the means to honour the favours I’d been blessed with in order to create the book. Karen Faye and Harrison Funk. Karen Faye and Harrison Funk! How on Earth had I managed to acquire the endorsements of such significant people in the story of Michael Jackson?!
And all they’d asked for in return for their generosity was a copy of the book. And I literally, physically hadn’t the means to do it.
The obsessive, incessant online promotion I had been undertaking had been the sole factor keeping me (just about) emotionally afloat. My eventual acceptance of defeat as I relinquished all hope and acknowledged its failure, left me utterly distraught. Life spiralled from terrible to unbearable.
Two years have now passed and I still just remain on the cusp of a tentative recovery.
I sometimes entertain the idea of one day publishing a polished, updated version of The First Book of Michael, one that incorporates the many blog posts I wrote subsequent to its publication. But I’m not ready for that yet. It has taken time and space to be able to reflect upon the experience with any sense of objectivity at all.
However.
Battle-scarred I may be. But I’m also rested, wiser, empowered and eager.
Eager to resume my role as a thorn in the Estate’s side.
As Michael once put it: I’m right back where I wanna be.
Dr June E. Francis said:
Thank you so much I have been wondering what had happened to you I am a devoted Fan from Jamaica Being a MJ fan is not for the faint of heart I tried to buy your book but was unsuccessful please tell me how to get
Syl Mortilla said:
Sincere thanks for your support. It really means a lot to me. I’m not sure if it’s available to order to Jamaica, but the link if you’d like to try is here: https://www.amazon.com/First-Book-Michael-Syl-Mortilla/dp/1507881754/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1507371222&sr=8-1&keywords=syl+mortilla
anneuk said:
I am so sorry to hear how writing “The First Book of Michael” has affected your life. It is so unfair as it is by far the best book on Michael available. I read and see FB pages by people like so called ex girlfriends who are lying through their teeth for either monetary gain or to make themselves look important in the eyes of the fans and feel a sense of total injustice for you. When you are ready please continue to be a thorn in the Estates side but until then rest and recooperate.
Syl Mortilla said:
Thank you! Am feeling much stronger these days. Fit to fight another day! 🙂
Marion Schmidt said:
Omg…I’m so sorry Syl! Your book is in my closet, with all of my MJ-stuff, and I love it. Great work! Thank you and may God bless you. Never give up…the truth runs a marathon! With L.O.V.E. Marion, Michaelfan from Germany
Syl Mortilla said:
Sincerely, thank you so much for your support!
louise G said:
You have my support 100% I am disgusted by how you have been treated and for the personal costs you have endured. I hope your days are brighter now. Love will always triumph. When I read your blog I could not help think of how great artists and authors have gone through much like yourself. The great works and minds are often misunderstood but appreciated by others. Please consider writing a book about “Paying the price” as many do in the MJ fandom. I think it will be of great comfort to those that have been through so much bullying by ruthless egotistical fans that believe they have the say or control over the fans because of their location or relationship with certain entities. Truth is none of it is true, they are mere puppets and they don’t even realize it.
Syl Mortilla said:
Thank you so, so much Louise. The response to this article has been wonderful and I’m looking forward again to being inspired and having the confidence to write about Michael again. Much love.
beechgirl1 said:
Good luck to you! I have your book – I actually bought 2 copies when it first came out-one for me and one for a friend. Stay strong and keep us posted on your future THORNINESS! 👍🏼👍🏼
Syl Mortilla said:
Haha! Amazing! Thank you so much. The support I’ve received since posting this blog has been humbling and inspiring.
Mae Parr said:
Thank you ❤️ I’m sorry for your pain. Prayers for you to remain strong and continue to share Michael’s legacy. Much L.O.V.E.
Syl Mortilla said:
Thank you Mae!
MJ-DarkChild (@mjbrookins) said:
Dear Syl: I’ve often wondered what happened to you. I can’t tell you how heartbreaking it is to learn of the hardships you endured to complete your project. I’m sorry you felt so all alone, but please know that you had a few of us who supported your work and we shared it as much as possible. In fact, we still support you. When we feel our strength fading we have to take a hiatus so that we can reflect, regroup, recognize and return even stronger.
I’m very sorry that you’ve suffered so much emotional turmoil and wish you could turn back the hands of time. Since that isn’t possible we have to move forward. There were many people, if they’re honest, who had negative things to say about Michael Jackson. It wasn’t always poor Michael this and that but you’ll never hear or read about it. I wish nothing but the best for you Syl and I’m going to encourage you in the “Lord”. Things will get better, they always do for those who believe. I won’t go on and on (like I can do) but be encouraged for you are blessed. Keep the faith!
An encouragement for you: https://youtu.be/zt67dqnWDHw
Syl Mortilla said:
Thank you so, so much. Really means a lot. Much love, thank you!